Reflections on The Jesus Year
The Temptation of St. Anthony - Hieronymus Bosch, 1501
Tuesday was my 34th birthday and the passing of The Jesus Year. I started calling my 33rd year my “Jesus Year” mostly as a joke around my birthday last year. Jesus was 33 years old when he died on the cross at Golgotha. Looking back, I probably should have been more careful about calling this last solar year The Jesus Year since it was filled with trials and tribulations and I hope now, ultimately, a resurrection.
When looking back on The Jesus Year, I’m mostly reminded of the painting The Temptation of St. Anthony by Hieronymus Bosch, painted in 1501. Many copies of this work are floating around, as with many Bosch paintings. Each has slight variations. I’m more partial to the later copies that have more fully realized values. It gives a heightened drama to the scenes.
St. Anthony is tormented by demons, lifted up into the sky, and he walks through a dangerous, ugly landscape of peril. The central and right panels show all the various temptations thrown his way. Each figure is a symbol for some sort of spiritual or mental trap trying to ensnare him.
Much of this year felt like a trial. There were many sad days filled with anguish. There was a feeling of creative stagnancy and like my best days as an artist were behind me. Relationships morphed and changed and not always in ways that I wanted them to. There were temptations of scumbaggery, which have plagued me a lot in my life. Moments of clashing between the past and the present which ruptured into an uncertain future. A lot of days I was just tired. The burden of having and maintaining a body is its own sort of trial as things change and fail in new ways. Anxiety reared its ugly head again, when I thought it had been exorcised. I do not want to write a list of all the things that were hard and sucked about The Jesus Year. Just know there were many things I choose not to repeat.
After having some time to reflect on The Jesus Year, I can’t be sad about any of it and I’ve mostly made peace with what happened. I’m comforted by the central panel in Bosch’s triptych which depicts St. Anthony amid the various symbols of sin and suffering, on his knees in prayer, pointing toward a small crucifix. I am reminded of Phil Hine’s quote in Condensed Chaos, “The price of transformation in constant vigilance”. Losing vigilance means lapsing into bad decisions and being a bad person. Maybe this is the concept of original sin and our inclination toward scumbaggery. Being a good person, whether that is towards others or sometimes, most difficultly, toward yourself, takes constant vigilance. I am reminded in this painting of what constant vigilance looks like, with both eyes on God.
In the last few months, I’ve gotten comfortable talking about God again. I’ve even gotten comfortable shouting out God on Instagram. Make no mistake that I am partaking in the organized religions’ false ideas of God that are constantly weaponized for political gain. Rather, I am experimenting with the idea that God is a certain pattern that is revealed out of Chaos in ways that demonstrate synchronicity or as some would say a plan for me. When I see God, I experience gratitude for all the ways that the patterns of Chaos have coalesced to confirm my existence, bring me delight and joy, and even feel as though someone is looking out for me.
I experienced this pattern countless times throughout The Jesus Year. So many things going right. So many kind words from strangers. So many things that happened for me with ease. It is the source of the way luck is embodied in my life. So many earthly delights to notice and experience. So many ways in which divine love was demonstrated through the actions of others and my actions toward others and myself.
However, the price of this experience, which is altogether a transformative one, is constant vigilance. Chaos bends to our awareness and at times a lack of awareness brings out the demons. Like turning a dial on a radio, we can tune our awareness to God’s channel. This is how blessings arrive.
I can always tune back to God’s channel, even after a long time away. Because God loves me and never turns away. God is a pattern in Chaos that is made for my benefit. Constant vigilance is how you find this pattern but also, I’ve found, a sense of curiosity, a keen awareness, and the ability to have fun outside of areas you’re comfortable with are also necessary to discover the God pattern. Also, a sense of purity in our hearts, minds, and spirits. Which is something I believe you can give yourself at any moment you choose to do so.
I’m 34 now and maybe this is my resurrection time. I’m going to buy myself some lilies. St. Anthony is often depicted with lilies as a symbol of purity. You’ll find my spirit vibrating with constant vigilance as I keep seeking out the God pattern.
x - Sierra
